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I continue to receive contributions to this section that have more than tripled the size. As a result in January, 2002, it was reorganized. I have no idea who started the two cows but apparently these jokes date back the Franklin Roosevelt's New Deal reforms in the Great Depression.
American corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an initial public offering on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
Florida corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
French corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
German corporation: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
Iraqi corporation : You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
Italian corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Japanese corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
New York corporation: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
Polish corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
Russian corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have forty-two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your tenth five-year plan in the last three months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
Taliban corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
American democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”
British democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Democracy, American style: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Pure democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Singaporean democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Bureaucratic socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism, American style: You have two cows.You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Entrepreneurism: þYou have two cows. You rent a bull from a capitalist. After he's serviced your cows you return the bull so you don't have to feed him. Your herd grows twice as fast.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Federalism: The Federal Government prohibits milking fewer than three cows. The State Government requires anyone owning more than one cow to milk it.
Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Hong Kong capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
Leninism: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are also shot as counter-revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but refuses to drink such petit bourgeois liquids.
Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Pure socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Russian communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Stalinism: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking about milk, Comrade?
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Communist: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Buddhism: Cows may or may not be. Drink the goddamn milk and go back to chanting.
Existentialism: Cows are. Milk may or may not be, but it hardly matters, now does it?
Nihilism: There is no Cow. Cow is dead.
Religion: There is no Cow but Cow, and the other Cow is Her Prophet.
Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Bureaucracy, American style: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
Californian: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows.” Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 th of your farm “for the children.” The California General Assembly passes a law giving your farm to Mexico. The LA Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The LA Times' analysis shows your business failure is President Bush's fault.
Counter culture: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You just got to have some of this milk.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Mao Zedong thought: Two cows belong to the State. For the benefit of Progressive Socialism, you may milk them, as long as you sell one and one-half times their production to the commune for half the cost of production.
Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership ” is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant, patriarchal past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
| Home Page | Contents | Index | Comments? |
| Chapter — Curmudgeon's Corner |
| Next — Notes On Relations With Women |
| Back — Kelvin Throop's Dictionary of Politically Correct Usage |