Notes On Relations With Women


 

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Index

Marriage and sex

Proverbs

Why men can't win

Philosophical conundrum

Thirteen reasons why men can't win

Three states of a relationship

Courtship

Marriage

Divorce

 

Marriage and sex

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misandry (mis'-an'-dre') n. hatred of men. (1) the attribution of negative qualities to the entire male gender. (2) the claim that masculinity is the source of human vices such as domination, violence, oppression, and racism. (3) a sexist assumption that (a) male genes, hormones and physiology, or (b) male cultural nurturing produce war, rape, and physical abuse. (4) the assignment of blame solely to men for humanity's historic evils without including women's responsibility or giving men credit for civilization's achievements. (5) the assumption that any male person is probably domineering, oppressive, violent, sexually abusive, and spiritually immature.

Patrick M. Arnold, Society of Jesuits

 

How would you feel if well over half your salary were forcibly taken from you with no accountability for its use, if your ex-husband had total control over your children and wouldn't honor your visitation rights and the courts wouldn't, either, and the father of your children were filling their heads with vindictive lies about you? How long could you deal with that sort of abuse and heartbreak?

Question for women by Ms. Rikki Klieman, attorney

 

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

H. L. Mencken

 

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Ambrose Bierce

 

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

 

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Jules Renard

 

Nothing in our culture, not even home computers, is more overrated than the epidermal felicity of two featherless bipeds in desperate congress.

Quentin Crisp

 

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.

Harlan Ellison

 

The charms of a passing woman are usually in direct proportion to the speed of her passing.

Marcel Proust

 

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

John Barrymore

 

The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

It is most unwise for people in love to marry.

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, insane, delusive, and transient of passions, they are required to swear that they'll remain in that condition continuously until death do them part.

George Bernard Shaw

 

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Lewis Grizzard

 

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.

Margaret Mead

 

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.

Israel Zangwill

 

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.

W. Somerset Maugham

 

When a woman behaves like a man, why can't she behave like a nice man?

Dame Edith Evans

 

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

Christopher Morley

 

I don't believe man is woman's natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is.

Shana Alexander

 

Alimony: the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Anonymous

 

Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

 

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

Helen Rowland

 

Why are the pretty ones always insane?

Chief Clancy Wiggum

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.

Oscar Wilde

 

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

Mae West

 

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Roseanne Barr

 

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

 

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

Elayne Boosler

 

Sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose.

Billie Holiday

 

If you attempt to ban the world's oldest profession what you end up with is crime, disease, and prostitution.

If you treat that profession like any other business what you end up with is prostitution.

 

The reason so many women think that men are not interested in anything but sex with them is that they seldom have anything else to offer.

 

I have never been inclined to believe I was God's gift to women. I have always thought it much more likely that women were God's gift to me.

Charles E. Corry


 

Proverbs

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Marriage is the only evil that men pray for. — Greek Proverb

Marriage is the tomb of love. — Russian Proverb

Divorce is the sacrament of adultery. — French Proverb

Honest men marry soon; wise men not at all. — English Proverb

Marriage is a school in which the pupil learns too late. — German Proverb

There were two brothers who were smart and a third who got married. — Polish Proverb

Bachelor, a peacock; betrothed, a lion; married, a donkey. — Spanish Proverb

He who has not married a second time is never really poor. — Chinese Proverb


 

Why men can't win

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• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

• If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

• If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

• If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

• If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

• If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

• If you cry, you're a wimp.

• If you don't, you're insensitive.

• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.

• If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

• If she asks you, it's a favor.

• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

• If you don't, you're a slob.

• If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

• If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

• If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

• If you're not, you're not ambitious.

• If she has a headache, she's tired.

• If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.


 

Philosophical conundrum

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In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out his wife was sleeping with his best friend.


 

Thirteen differences between men and women

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1. Names:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Scrappy.

 

2. Eating out:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

3. Money:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

4. Bathrooms:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

5. Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

6. Cats:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

7. Future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

8. Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

9. Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change. He doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change. She does.

 

10. Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

11. Natural:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

12. Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, teenage crushes, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

A man is sometimes aware of some other people living in the house.

 

13. Final thought:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


 

Three stages of a relationship

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Courtship

Marriage

Divorce

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Last modified 3/17/16